Sorry, Please - Manners and Etiquette

Is it reasonable to expect a ten year old to have basic table manners?

I often eat with a friend and her ten year old daughter. The girl often eats her salad with her fingers, will hold serving dishes up to her nose to smell the food, does not sit flat in her chair, and ignores basic table manners in other ways, too. I have mentioned it but the response is that I don't know how to raise a child. The mother and daughter are exceptional in so many ways. Am I expecting too much?

Public Comments

1. the child is only at fault because the parents don't show her the proper way to eat.Do the parents eat like that also. This is a reflection on how the child is raised............ improper.
2. yes, children learn from their parents, my brother and i always had perfect table manners since we were old enough to eat at the table because of my mom.
3. No you are not expecting too much. The mother is expecting too little.
4. You can only expect a person to have manners if s/he has been taught them. Obviously, this child has not been taught, nor is it likely she ever will be considering the mother's response. Use this experience as a lesson on how NOT to raise a child, and have a little pity for the poor child. Her mother is doing her a very real disservice.
5. Definitely not. Obviously, this little girl has never been taught table manners. I wouldn't acknowledge it directly because it might make you seem nosy, but just drop little hints. Like if she's eating the salad with her fingers, pass her a fork and just say something like "It's a lot easier to eat with your utensils, and it makes you look more mature." Hopefully, she'll take the hint.
6. Its not to much to expect that from someone, I believe the child should be shown how to act when eating. To me it is awful to have lack of basic table manners
7. Hello, If mama can't teach the child, society eventually will. People will think they will be better off bringing an ape to the table than this poorly disciplined child and no doubt she'll be excluded from a lot of things. Cheers, Michael Kelly
8. Oh, god, I've seen this movie. If you like the idea of never having to deal with them again (not a bad thing, that), go ahead and try to introduce basic standards to the little piglet.
9. Speaking from experience, it is extremely frustrating to watch a child do something like this, and ask the parent about it and be told you don't know anything because you are not a parent yourself. Obviously at TEN years old this girl should not be doing this kind of thing at the table. Someone else suggested hinting that she would look more grown up if she ate with her utensils, etc. I agree! A very similar thing happened to me, and I flat out said that I didn't consider anyone to be grown up until they showed they could act like an adult at the dinner table. And lastly, even though it's the less comfortable of the options, you might have to pull the Mother aside and say something like: "Look, I know I am not a parent, and I'm not HER parent, but her table manners are really poor and if she continues this way, she's going to get teased or thought of as less than intelligent." Be prepared for some animosity from the Mom if that has to happen though. No one likes being told a hard truth but sometimes, it's got to happen. Good luck!
10. you should blame both... it is the mothers fault for not introducing basic table manners to the child from an early age. but the child is also old enough to look around and notice the difference between her etiquette and those around her. my parents were extremely strict with raising my sister and i, i also found that they didn't accept sloppy table manners from any of our company either, things like kindly asking 'elbows off the table' or 'could you sit properly'. they weren't rude about it, but they just found it disrespetcful. i think you should reapproach your friend, and let her kno that her childs basic table etiquette is unacceptable and that there are now rule in place at your table, for example no feet on the seat. best of luck to you xx
11. It's not unreasonable to expect at least basic manners from a child of ten. It is a bad situation to be in when a child is doing those things because you really aren't in a position to correct them and show them how they should act. Which is of course what the parents should have done to begin with. It's one of the reasons why I don't dine with people that have children around 12 or younger.
12. I think you are being very reasonable. A 10yr old should know how to behave at a resturant. Her mother is not doing her any favors. She'll grow up and wonder why boys drop her after one dinner date, because she eats like a pig. Unfortunatly, you are not her parent. Decide if the friendship is worth bring it up again.
13. It is reasonable to expect a ten year old to have basic table manners -if you're the parent. Since you aren't it's best to turn a blind eye. It is up to your friend to teach these manners to her child. Manners will benefit this girl in many ways, she'll be more accepted by the parents of her friends when she goes over for dinner or a sleepover, she won't embarrass her parents at restaurants, and she'll remember the skills for the rest of her life (bad manners are a real turn off at an "over lunch" interview). On the other hand, it is not your responsibility to raise this young girl, it's your friend's. And if your friend thinks that kids should "just be kids" and not have to worry about which spoon to use when then that's her choice. So back off before you lose your friendship. Oh, and by the way, pointing out other people's bad manners is considered bad manners :). (PS you may want to apologize to your friend. Being told you're a bad mother is really hurtful, especially if the person saying it has no kids of her own.)